Feeling sorry for someone? RUN!!
I am very outspoken when it comes to the act of “Feeling Sorry.” My response is always the same: if you feel sorry for someone, “RUN!” Why? Because you’re being worked. Think about the last time you were used by someone. I bet they hooked you by telling you a sad story. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had clients have their eyes opened from this simple truth. I will ask my client, “Have you ever felt sorry for me?” And they will say, “No.” Then I ask, “Why?” and they will respond, “I don’t know.” Then I tell them the reason they have never felt sorry for me: it’s because I’ve never worked them. People who have empathy are prone to be worked by others. And believe it or not, there are many people who know how to work your empathy if you’re not aware of it.
The New Testament often highlights Jesus’ compassion for others. The Greek words used in the original texts, such as “σπλαγχνίζομαι” (splagchnizomai), often translated as “compassion,” convey a deep, gut-wrenching empathy and a desire to help.
Here are some examples where Jesus is described as having compassion:
Matthew 9:36 (NIV): “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.” This passage shows Jesus’ deep empathy and concern for the people, prompting him to teach and guide them.
Matthew 14:14 (NIV): “When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.” Here, Jesus’ compassion leads to action, resulting in healing for those in need.
In these passages, the emphasis is on Jesus’ compassion, which is not just an emotional response but also a catalyst for action to relieve suffering and provide help. The Gospels consistently portray Jesus as being moved by a profound empathy that leads him to take action on behalf of those who are suffering.
You see, Jesus was always led by compassion, but he never felt sorry for anyone. He was only moved by the emotion of compassion.
The difference between feeling sorry for someone and having compassion for someone is subtle, but easy to detect once you see it.
Feeling sorry often stems from a place of pity. It involves recognizing someone’s suffering or misfortune but maintaining a degree of emotional distance. If you do not know how to maintain a degree of emotional distance, you will lend them the money, let them live with you, use your car, give them what they want, and even marry them! You have been worked. Feeling sorry is typically more superficial and can sometimes carry an implicit sense of superiority or detachment, and it doesn’t necessarily lead to a desire to help or support the person in need. You have to be talked into it.
Compassion involves a deeper sense of empathy and understanding. It means feeling with the person, sharing in their suffering, and genuinely wanting to alleviate it. This feeling is more profound and connected. You do not have to be talked into anything. You want to help. It often involves an emotional connection where one sees the suffering of another as if it were their own. Compassion typically drives action. It motivates a person to offer help, support, or comfort to those who are suffering, driven by a genuine desire to improve their situation.
People use your empathy to get what they want. The reason you never see it is because you can’t imagine doing such a thing to someone else. You need to realize people don’t think like you think. Is there a name for people who use pity to their advantage? Yes, the term for people who use pity to their advantage is: “playing the victim.” These individuals might manipulate others by eliciting sympathy or pity to gain attention, support, or other benefits. This behavior involves consistently portraying oneself as a victim of circumstances or the actions of others, often exaggerating or fabricating situations to gain sympathy and avoid responsibility. The term Martyr Complex (or Victim Complex) is another term we use: this is a psychological condition where a person habitually seeks out suffering or adversity to feel a sense of self-worth or to manipulate others into providing attention and care.
Many years ago, I was taken advantage so many times because of my lack of understanding and too much empathy. I would hear a sad story, help, get taken advantage of, and repeat the process over and over again. Today, if I hear a sad story and feel sorry, I RUN! I have trained my mind so that when I feel sorry, I see two red flags waving back-and-forth warning me, “Earl, you’re being worked.” This powerful tool has never failed me since I learned the difference between feeling sorry for someone, and having compassion for someone.
