Almost all of us grew up in a family environment which might have consisted of a mother, a father, and siblings. While each family’s dynamics are unique, the outcome often share a common thread: children who blame themselves for whatever goes wrong. If Daddy is gone, little Johnny blames himself. If Mommy and Daddy fight, little Johnny blames himself. If there’s no money, once again, little Johnny blames himself.
The only thing that can prevent little Johnny from internalizing the message that everything is his fault, is consistent nurturing from those around him. By nurturing, I don’t mean giving him everything he wants. True nurturing involves taking the time to help Johnny process his emotions, allowing him to respond emotionally to whatever is happening, and reassuring him that it is not his fault. It’s about giving Johnny the space to share his opinions and feelings. Simply put, children often blame themselves, and this is why we are so hard on ourselves as adults. The good news is, this mindset can be changed.
As a counselor for many years, I have yet to meet a client who doesn’t carry the internal message, “It’s my fault.” Using Johnny as an example, he might have lacked a father at home because Dad was always working. His parents might have struggled with addiction, fought frequently, or ignored him. There might have been financial stress in the family. No matter the specifics, without nurturing, Johnny will internalize the message that it’s his fault. In time, every person I work with comes to realize two things: first, there is a little person inside them that needs nurturing, and second, that person blames themselves for whatever happened in their family system. This is why we are so hard on ourselves. We are actually disappointed or angry at ourselves for what took place around us when we were children.
Take a moment to listen to your inner dialogue. When you make a mistake or say something embarrassing, how do you respond internally? Do you call yourself stupid or dumb? Recognize that you are talking to yourself. There is a part of you, often called the inner child, that you are addressing. As counselors, our job is to help you find that inner child and teach them that what happened in their earlier years was not their fault.
How does this affect us today? When little Johnny grows up, he might get married, create his own family, and try to avoid the mistakes his parents made. If Johnny was yelled at as a child, he might either mirror this behavior by yelling at his own children, or make a conscious effort never to yell. The problem is, Johnny is not being his authentic self. He is living his life according to his past experiences. Our past dictates our lives unless we address it. So, what can Johnny do now? Johnny needs to learn to love himself. We are funny as people. We want others to love us, nurture us, spend time with us, and take care of us, but we often don’t do these things for ourselves. We place the responsibility on others to give us the love we never received. True freedom comes when we realize that it is our job to love ourselves. By loving ourselves, we become satisfied in life and more capable of loving those around us.
As a young Christian, I was taught to love others. This was virtually impossible because I didn’t love myself. I had to pretend to love others, which is not true love. When I am fully accepting of myself, then and only then can I genuinely love others. My job as a Christian is to learn to love myself, and loving others becomes automatic. I don’t have to work at it because I am not projecting my internal negativities onto others. If I hold myself to high standards, am overly critical of myself, or dislike myself, I will treat those around me the same way. Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Think about it. Love others as you love yourself. How much do you love yourself? That is the gauge to measure how much love is in you. The goal is not to love your neighbor; the goal is to love yourself. This is why the message to love others often doesn’t work. We have it backward.
So, how do we learn to love ourselves? A good place to start is by paying attention to what you say to yourself and commit to correcting the negative things. I believe you can love yourself into peace, happiness, joy, success, and contentment. You are the only one who truly knows what is going on inside your head. You are the only one who can correct those defeating messages.
When do you start? Why not today? Why not try to replace negative statements with positive ones? It’s not easy— nothing of true value ever is—but the benefits are immense. If this doesn’t work, reach out to a counselor for help. There is no shame in that. We all need help, and the only thing that stops us is pride.
